Word of God speak, let it fall down like rain....

2008-01-28T13:16:00.001-08:00

I guess it's a little too late to say Happy New Year, but it has been such a long time since I've posted that I almost feel it's necessary. 2007 is finally over...what a LONG year! When I look back over the last year and all that has happened I am simply amazed by the love and compassion I've received from God. This past year has been equally one of the best and worst years of my life. I turned 23 a few weeks ago and I am confident that my 23rd year will be extraordinary. I consider myself to be an emotional person, and anyone who knows me well would most likely agree. I have experienced emotions this year from the depths of my being that I didn't even know were possible. Some of them I hope that I never have to experience again and others that I want to hold on to for the rest of my life. God has taught me so much this year as well as challenged me. I know that the things I have gone though and experienced, specifically in 2007 have shaped who I am still becoming.

God and Your Bod

2007-07-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

Are coffee, doughnuts, ice cream and potato chips your idea of the four basic food groups? Does the very thought of breaking a sweat cause you to reach for the TV remote? If so, God is calling you to get off the couch and get active!
Despite what the infomercials tell you, it's not necessary to have "abs of steel," bulging biceps or a 26-inch waistline to be healthy. A few simple lifestyle changes can help you feel great, live longer and even boost your spiritual relationship with God. All it takes is a realistic plan, a little sweat and determination. Sadly, society often distorts the way we view and treat our bodies. We tend toward two extremes: neglecting the body through inactivity and poor diet or worshipping the body by over-exercise, vanity and eating disorders. As Christians, we mustn't play into either trap. We shouldn't feel defeated or crtiicized just because we don't fit a certain body tyupe. On the other hand, we also have to encourage each other to care for our bodies in the way God intended. Physical fitness is part of a lifestyle of holiness that acknowledges a deeper connection between body and soul- a lifestyle that we should all be striving for.
As Christians, we must approach physical fitness in a way that honours God. If he has planned for you to live to the ripe old age of 100, but your inactivity and unhealthy lifestyle causes you to die early, what then? God has plans for your soul to accomplish in your healthy body, but to do this you must be a faithful steward of his "temple."
The good news is that God is gracious and compassionate, even when we fail to live up to his expectations. He is the great restorer. He has designed our bodies with the capacity to heal, repair themselves and return to a state of health.

Exerpt from "God and Your Bod" Written by Andrew Evans (Certified Exercise Physiologist)

Homesick

2007-06-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Going Crazy!!!

2007-04-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

AHHHHH!

Let me just say that I HATE this time of year. I have an exam in 5 1/2 hours...one of which I do not feel confident about what so ever!!!! I have another one tomorrow, Friday and my last one Monday.....problem is...I've lost my "focus pants" and my "motivation shirt"....sooo.....that doesn't leave me with much does it? My mind is every which way...BUT biology, I'm tired and just not feeling overly well health wise....

Time is ticking and the stress level is going up!!!!!

Prayer anyone?

2007-04-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

"Trust Jesus, trust the love in your heart, and trust the Word just spoken to you."

"Because we are made in God's image and likeness, you and I are yet another promise that he has made to the universe that he will continue to love it and care for it."

"In patient endurance we wait for God to make clear what he wants to say through us. Such waiting demands not only alert attention but the courage to let ourselves be spoken. Such courage arises from unfailing trust in the wisdom of God, who utters no false word."

the voice of truth...

2007-04-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

Oh What I Would Do To Have
The Kind Of Faith It Takes
To CLimb Out Of This Boat
And ThenOn To The Crashing Wave
To Step Out Of My Comfort Zone
Into The Rhelms Of The Unknown
Where Jesus Is
And He's holding out his hand

But The Waves Are Calling Out My Name
And They Laugh At Me
Reminding Me Of All The Times
Ive Tried Before and Failed
The Waves They keep On Telling me
Time and Time Again
Boy You'll Never
No You'll Never Win

But The Voice Of Truth
Tells Me A Different Story
The Voice Of Truth
Says Do Not Be Afraid
And The Voice of Truth
Says This Is For My Glory
Out Of All The Voices Calling out To Me
I will Choose To Listen and Believe
The Voice Of Truth

2007-04-14T15:58:00.000-07:00

"Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him."

- Oswald Chambers

almost done...

2007-04-13T06:22:00.000-07:00

The school year is finally coming to a close. In exactly 10 days I will have written my last exam and be free of school for...21 days until I start spring semester. As I look back over the year, and as I have read through my prayer journals and even my blogs I am amazed and left at a loss for words. This year has been one of tough times but also of never ending learning experiences. God has carried me through what I feel to be one of the most significant times in my life thus far. I have been so blessed and have so much to be thankful for. God has and is working in my life and it amazes me to stand back and watch how my life is unfolding according to Gods plan for me. The future is still clowdy, but I know that eventually the clouds will part and the sun will shine. I'm definately looking foward to the summer... I'll be working full-time, school part-time for may and June and just spending as much time with friends as possible!

So..my plan from here on out...I'm continuing to trust, to be patient, and to stand still as I am as God writes the story that is my life.

Philippians 4:4-9

2007-04-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which trancends all understanding, will guard your hearts and you minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, what ever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or recieved or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

2007-04-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

Prayer taken from "Ruthless Trust"

Abba, I surrender my will and my life to you today, without reservation and with humble confidence, for you are my loving Father. Set me free from self-conciousness, from anxiety about tomorrow, and from the tyranny of the approval and disapproval of others, that I may find joy and delight simply and solely in pleasing you. May my inner freedom be a compelling sign of your presence, your peace, your power, and your love. Let your plan for my life and the lives of all your children gracefully unfold one day at a time. I love you with all my heart, and I place all my confidence in you, for you are my Abba.

Over my head...

2007-04-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

After the words have all been said
After the songs are sung
I realize I've only but just begun
Trying to wrap my mind around
Extravagant love come down
Leaves me undone
Finds me with nothing to say

The reach of Your fame
The power in Your name
Your glory surrounds me
It's over my head
It's over my head

The shame of the cross
For all that it cost
This friendship astounds
over my head
It's over my head

Unquenchable songs and endless praise
A million tongues poised to sing
Could still not convey
The worth that Your name deserves
Beauty for ashes Joy for pain
Mercy instead of my blame
Ruins me for more
I'm lost in Your presence, Lord

Hallelujah...Lost for the words to say
I'm left here in disarray
Waiting for You, waiting on truth
I've thrown reason overboard
Knowing that there's still more
I don't yet believe, I can't even perceive
I can't seem to understand
Can't seem to find my way

It's over my head, it's over my head

Learning this mystery
Trust what I cannot see
It's over my head, it's over my head
The wonder of all You've made
Foundations Your hands have laid
Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees
I'm lost for the words to say
Lost for another way
Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees
I'm lost for the words to say
Lost for another way
Ruined for anything other than Your love

I'm desperate to know You, Lord
Desperate for what's in store
Finding my hope in only You, in only You
Take me beyond this door
Lead me to something more
Open my heart up for more of You, more of You

I'm ready now

2007-04-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

You come like you promised you would
I want to surrender for good
I know that i need you
And i dont want to keep living life alone

So take my heartand make it new
make it true
And make it like you
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're yours not mine to do

Do what you will
Do what you will
Do what you will

I feel like a blind man in your sight
I know that im wicked in your eyes
So wash me and make me shine like the sun
I want to tell everyone
that youre the only one

So take my heart
And make it new
Make it true
And make it like you
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're yours not mine to do

Do what you will
Do what you will
Do what you will
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now

humble confidence...

2007-04-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

Please bear with me...this could be a long one...but I can't keep this message to myself!

I have never been as challenged by any other author in the way that I have through this book...

"The more guilt and shame that we have buried within ourselves, the more compelled we feel to seek relief through sin."

"A poor self image reveals a lack of humility. Feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, inferiority, and self hatred rivet our attention on ourselves. Humble men and women do not have a low opinion of themselves; they have no opinion of themselves, because they think so rarely about themselves. The heart of humilty lies in undivided attention to God, a facination with his beauty revealed in creation, a contemplative presence to each person who speaks to us, and a 'de-selfing' of our plans, projects, ambitions, and soul. Humilty is manifested in an indifference to our intellectual, emotional and physical well being and a carefree disregard of the image we present. No longer concerned with appearing to be good, we can move freely in the mystery of who we really are, aware of the sovereignty of God and of our absolute insufficiency and yet moved by a spirit of radical self-acceptance without self-concern."

"Humble people are without pretense, free from any sense of spiritual superiority, and liberated from the need to be assoicated with persons of importance. The awareness of thier spiritual emptiness does not disconcert them. Neither overly sensitive to criticism nor inflated by praise, they recognize thier brokenness, acknowledge their gifts, and refuse to take themselves seriously."

"A truly humble man does not fear being exposed."

"The great weakness in the North American church at large, and certainly in my life, is our refusal to accept our brokenness. We hide it, evade it, gloss over it. We grab for the cosmetic kit and put on our virtuous face to make ourselves admirable to the public. Thus, we present to others a self that is spiritually together, superficially happy, and lacquered with a sence of self-deprecating humor that passes for humility. The irony is that while I do not want anyone to know that I am judgmental, lazy, vulnerable, screwed up, and afriad, for fear of losing face, the facethat I fear losing is the mask of the impostor, not my own!"

"We have not come to terms with the tragic flaw in our lives:the brokenness that is proper to the human condition. Without that acknowledgement, there can be little power, for as Jesus said to the apostle paul, 'My power works at its best in your weakness' (2 Cor. 12:9)."

"Defense mechanisms are useful ploys to warp our perception of self and protect us from rejection, loss, and emotional pain. Through the smokescreen of rationalization, projection, and insulation, we remian on the merry-go-round of denial and dishonesty. Unable to accept our brokenness, we wear a thousand masks to disguise the face of fear.

"Humilty and honesty are really the same thing. A humble person is simply a brutally honest person about the whole truth. You and I came along a few years ago, and we're going to be gone in a few years. The only honest response to life is a humble one."

"Humble people are small in their own eyes, honest about thier struggles, and open to constructive criticism. Following the counsel of Jesus to take the last place, they are not shocked or offended when others put them there. They trust that they are loved, accepted, forgiven, and redeemed just as they are. Aware of thier innate poverty, they throw themselves on the mercy of God with carefree abandon."

tainted trust...

2007-04-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

First of all let me just say, God is so good! This is an incredible time of year, a time of which always challenges me and causes me to re-evaluate my relationship with God and with Christ. I have been very touched, moved and challenged by Brennan Manning's book Ruthless Trust. I have posted exerpts from this book over and over again. Tonights readings... again...have spoken to me.

"Presumption is such an insidious perversion that trust is merely tainted but corrupted by it. In presumption, we assign to God the task of doing for us what we should be doing for ourselves..."

"The most common form of presumption is the expectation that God will directly and secretly intervene in human affairs. We presume that by saying, "Lord, Lord, " the cancer or the bankruptcy or infidelity will disappear. We presume that God answers all prayers by assuring good outcomes, that food for the widows and orphans will fall from heaven, that the Holy One infallibly guarantees a baby's safe delivery, and that God will certainly sell our house at the desired price if we plant a statue of Saint Joseph upside down in the backyard.....Trust in God does not presume that God will intervene. Often trust begins on the far side of despair. When all human resources are exhausted, when the craving for reassurances is stifled, when we forgo control, when we cease trying to manipulate God and demystify mystery, then- at our wits' end- trust happens within us, and the untainted cry 'Abba, into your hands I commend my sprit,' surges from the heart."

2007-04-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

"Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says- 'I cannot stand anymore.' God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands. Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. 'Though he slay me, yet will I wait for him.' "

~Oswald Chambers

Trusting Jesus...chapter 7

2007-04-04T21:50:00.000-07:00

Jesus assured us of two things: presence and promise. Jesus never guaranteed that we would be spared of suffering or victimization by evil doing; in fact, he said flatly,"In the world you will have trouble"(John 16:33). What he promised was that during our desolate hours there would be one set of footprints. In varying degrees, suffering and loss touch every life-as does the presence of God in Christ if we have faithin his presence and hope in his promise. In the midst of the ruins-in the premature death of a loved one, in the hell on earth we call a crack house, in the ache of heartbreak, in the sheer malevolence of Kosovo and Rwanda- the presence of God abides. The trusting disciple, often through clenched teeth, says, in effect, God is still trustworthy, but not becuase of unrestricted power to intervene on my behalf; he is trusworthy because of a promise given and sustained in Christian communities throughout generations.
In the midst of tragic events that leave us bereft of understanding, trust does not demand explanations but turns to the One who promised, "I will not leave you orphans" (John 14:18). In the face of a pressing need for answers and solutions to life's problems- answers that are not quickly forthcoming- trust in the Wisdom and Power who is Jesus Christ knows how to wait.

Proverbs 2:2-11

2007-04-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

Turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair--every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.

continued...

2007-04-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded...

Those are powerful words that I keep reading over and over, and everytime I feel like I'm being hit with a 2 x 4 over the head....coincidental? Don't think so...

Spoken to through my reading...

2007-04-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

"To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all our lives--the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections--that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and TRUST that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God."

For all things give thanks to God, becuase this is what God expects you to do in Christ Jesus

1 Thess. 5:18

TO BE GRATEFUL for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness.

The way I was made...

2007-03-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

Caught in the half-light, I'm caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I'm tied up, what's holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the woman I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find
All that You've promised let it be in my life

Good ending to a hard day...

2007-03-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

"Be always joyful. Be constant in prayer. In every circumstance give thanks. This is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"

1 Thes. 5:24

inspiring words...

2007-03-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future."

"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray for the heart, 'Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day-morning, afternoon, evening and night. What ever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen.' "

Time. (a blog borrowed from Esther)

2007-03-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

I was reading Esther's blog today...and came across something she'd written a little while ago...give it a read it's powerful!

How many minutes are there in an hour? How many hours are there in a day?How many days are there in a year? So, what do all of those questions have in common? Time.Time governs our lives. Time tells us when to get up.Time tells us when to go to bed.Time tells us when to eat. Time tells us when classes are starting.And time tells us how long until a project is due. Sometimes, impatience becomes our middle names as time slowly passes at a red light. Sometimes, we hit a birthday of a significant age and wonder, where has the time gone? Time .Time is continually passing. Time brings us moments. Some moments that are a cause to celebrate, And some that break our heart.Time brings us life experiences. Time brings us knowledge and wisdom. Time brings us old age. We live our lives according to time, without the ability to stop or control it.Now, I have a question for you. What are you looking forward to achieving as time is passing? A diploma? The man or woman of your dreams? A career that will set you on the path for the rest of your life? I have another question for you. Are you living in the time and moments that God is giving to you right now? Or are you in a constant state of waiting for the next big moment yet to come? The big moment when life will really start?Donald Miller in his book, Through Painted Deserts says this. “I don’t think we can really understand how time passes. We can’t study it like a river or tame it with a clock. Our devices only mark its coming and going. I dropped an anchor three months back but time didn’t slow. Some things have to end, you know. You feel like life is always leading up to something, but it isn’t. I mean life is just life. It’s all happening right now. I only say this because I am trying to appreciate everything tonight. I will be leaving soon, and I want to feel this, Really understand that it is happening because God breathed some spark into some mud that became us, and He did it for a reason, and I want to feel that reason, not some false explanation.”God has a purpose for our lives. Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That hope and future that God has promised, has already started. Life is meant to be lived, not just gotten through. Time is fleeting, and it’s not going to slow down. You, have a choice to make. Will you wait for the moment when all the pieces fall into place? Or will you take every breath that God gives you, as an opportunity to live out His purpose for your life?

trust...

2007-03-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

I was given a book to read recently called Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin's Path to God . To be completely honest so far I've only read 10 pages of it...but...something written in those 10 pages has hit me so hard...

Here is the exerpt from the book...I will explain afterwards.

"When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at "the house of the dying" in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, "And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.
"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."
She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh comented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you will trust God."

"We ourselves have known and put our trust in God's love toward ourselves" (1 John 4:16). Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love.

We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else is unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, "Into your hands I commit my spririt" (Luke 23:46).
If we could free ourselves from the temptation to make faith a mindless assent to a dusty pawnshop of doctrinal beliefs, we would discover with alarm that the essence of biblical faith likes in trusting God. And as Marcus Borg has noted, "The first is a matter of the head, the second a matter of the heart. The first can leave us unchanged, the second intrinsically brings change."

So there it is. I can't count how many times over the last few weeks that I've prayed for clarity...not only for myself..but for others. In my previous blogs I've talked about my feelings and sense of clarity. I am finding now...that I didn't understand the true meaning of the word. Mother Teresas words spoke right to my heart-"Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." It should never have been about seeking clarity...but about trust...trust in God.

That is my prayer tonight..for my own trust in God and that others may do the same.

12:04 am

2007-03-24T21:04:00.000-07:00

So it's 12:04 am..

Why am I not sleeping? Well...I've had quite a bit on my mind lately. I find it funny how most of our thought process happens at night when we should be sleeping or we're trying to sleep. Weird! Anyways...over the past week or so God has blessed me in so many ways and I'm amazed that through different circumstances how his work in my life can be so evident when I just take the opportunity to step back and let him show me. I'm blown away with some of the clarity that I feel but at the same time so much is still unknown. So as I lay here contemplating my life, asking God "why" questions...I am reminded to trust...

Jeremiah 17:7-8

But Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It had no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

Praise you in this storm..

2007-03-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped my tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Fresh Start...

2007-03-21T19:20:00.000-07:00

Well it seems as though God has a bigger plan for me than I thought. It's funny how for a short period of time something can feel so right and with the sweep of a storm things can change directions so quickly. The past few weeks for me have been that storm...and my life is now heading in a different direction. I'm not sure as to where that is and to be honest it's a little scary, but at the same time exciting. God works in mysterious ways, and I don't think we'll ever fully understand why things happen or the way things happen, and I don't think we're supposed to know...if we were...what point would there be in having faith or putting our trust in God? As hard and difficult all of what I've been going through, and I'm sure will continue to be challenging for a while, I know who holds it all. I know that can sound so cliche and something that you see on a sappy spiritual card you'd pick out at Mitchells or something, but the fact of the matter is that it's true. Yes right now, I'm very broken, hurt, emotional beyond words but...I have faith that there are better days ahead...

A friend shared something with me today and it was such a blessing because it was something that I really needed to hear....

Substitute your own name into Isaiah 41...

But you, oh Jess, my servant
whom I have chosen
you descendant of Abraham my friend,
I took you from the ends of the earth,
from the farthest corners I called you.
I said, "You are my servant";
I have chosen you and not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
"All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.
Though you search for your enemies,you will not find them.
Those who rage war against you will be as nothing at all.
For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'do not fear';
I will help you.
Do not be afraid Jess, oh my little one,
For I myself will help you," declares the Lord,
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

Halo

2007-03-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

I never promised you a ray of light
I never promised there’d be sunshine everyday
I'll give you everything I have
The good the bad...

Why do you put me on a pedestal?
I’m so up high that I can’t see the ground below
So help me down, you've got it wrong
I don’t belong there

One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I… I just wanna love you
Oh, oh I… I just wanna love you

I always said that I would make mistakes
I’m only human and that’s my saving grace
I fall as hard as I try
So don’t be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
So pull me from that pedestal
I don’t belong there

One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
but standing from here
you wouldn’t say so
you wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I…I just wanna love you
OOhh I…I just wanna love you

Back to blogging...

2007-03-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

I realise it's been quite some time since I've posted a blog...but I feel very inspired to write especially because of the way that I feel God is working and moving in my life at this very moment. I had some time today to really dig into God's Word, which to be honest it's been a while. The past 3 weeks or so, I've drawn closer to God through some rough times and I am blown away just to how faithful he has been to me and my prayers. Back to his word...today I had several passages that really just jumped out at me, some that I've read over and over again but never really meant something to me until now. I just want to share a few and I pray that in some way they will speak to you as they did me.

Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, becuase we know that suffereing produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character hope. And hope does not disapoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he's given us.

Philippians 1:9-11

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ- to the glory and praise of God.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is being sure if what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

James 1:19-20

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about righteous life that God desires.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Where are you Christmas?

2006-12-17T14:55:00.000-08:00

I should be studying at the moment for my last exam tomorrow night but....I'm the queen of procrastination...

Thinking about Christmas this year sadens me a little. This will be my second christmas ever away from mom and dad, they're going to be staying home in Newfoundland for the holidays. I also will be working christmas eve and boxing day which totally blows cause Christmas will come and go and then be over without me getting a chance to enjoy it. BUT....there are some positives about this Christmas....

1. All of my favourite friends will be around for the Holidays!!! Esther and Chris are home from Australia, Nickie will be home from Belgium, Blair and Tiff will be home from UNI, Laura home from BC, Erica home from Pembroke, and Keely,Cory and Deb will be in the city!!! YAY so excited to be able to see all these people! Plus...I will get to spend some good ol quality time with some of my new friends along with a very special someone:)

2. I get to spend christmas morning with Julie, Mike, Noah and Hannah...I get to see the kids open all their gifts from Santa:)

3. I am having Christmas dinner at Erica's!!! SO excited about yummy food it's insane!!! YUMMM home cooked christmas dinner!!!!

I'm sure there will be many more fun festivities!!!!!! Can't wait!

I'm finding myself....at a loss for words....

2006-12-04T13:37:00.000-08:00

WOW! Is all I can say at this very moment. Over the past month or so I have been so incredibly blessed and I can't begin to describe how awesome God is! I've just been through so much over the past year and have been struggling with alot. I finally just feel like I'm happy where I'm at in my life. I've had the privalege recently to meet some really amazing people who have influcenced my life in ways they'll never know! One person in particular who has completely blown me away and left me as i am now....completely speechless. I'm happy, and loving my life...I couldn't ask for anything more!

"Check it out!"

2006-11-05T17:19:00.000-08:00

I had the amzing opportunity to see Brian Littrell in concert lastnight at the Canada Christian College. I know what some of you are thinking right now..."isn't he one of the Backstreet Boys?" The answer to that question is yes, but he has just recently released his debut solo gospel album. For a minute take back your judgemental boy band thoughts and hear me out because I respect Brian so much for what he's doing. He has stepped up and made his voice known and is testifying the love of Christ within him and using his talent to spread the gospel and God is touching lives through him. Can I get an Amen? AMEN!

I have been a huge fan since back in the day when I purchaced the first BSB cd. But lastnight I saw a completely different side of him. I didn't see the popstar. I saw the man behind the image. The husband, the father, the man of God who like everyone else is just trying to find his place in this world. He has an amazing story which he shared lastnight. I thank God for what he's done in Brian's life and how he has blessed him with a voice that he can use to spread the word.

Here are the lyrics of one of his songs which he wrote on a BSB tour, he performed it lastnight and it really touched me.

There's a world of difference when faith is in a heart
It stands out like sunlight
Life becomes so dark
And when those around me ask me whyI dare to dream
Or why I love or why sing
My answer is You
My answer is You
You're the hope that my heart is holding on to
Skeptics won't understand
It's strange from the world's point of view
My answer is You

They might find it incredible to belive what I can't see
They might think it's foolish
Or even say it's weak
I want to live my life so differently because of faith
If it causes them to question, for me to say

My answer is You
My answer is You

You're the hope that my heart is holding on to
Skeptics won't understand
It's strange from the world's point of view
My answer is You
You're the reason I'm alive
For every good thing in my life

My answer is You
My answer is You

You're the hope that my heart is holding on to
Skeptics won't understand
It's strange from the world's point of view
But my answer is plain and it's simple, Lord
My answer is You

Honestly his cd "Welcome Home" is so raw, and so real and it's basically his heart put into words on a cd. It's His journey of faith and he's sharing his love for Christ. So in the words of Brian lastnight "check it out!"

Also for a taste of of some of his stuff check out his myspace at www.myspace.com/brianlittrell

Procrasintation..

2006-10-30T09:43:00.000-08:00

Right now what I should be doing is studying for my 2 mid-terms this week, reading, or memorizing my lines for a play that I'm in at school...but obviously I'm doing none of the above. There's been a lot going on the past few months, still just trying to work through some things and the last place that my mind is right now is on school. I find myself longing for christmas break so that I have a few weeks to relax..well sortof...I'll still be working my butt off at work....but at least I wont have school on top of that.

Right now I'm just really struggling with being happy with my life as it is right now...instead of constantly living in the future...hoping that it will somehow get better. BUT....

I was reminded on sunday at church during the sermon that as much as we may think our lives couldn't get any worse, the reality is...there is much worse that could happen to us then we in western society experience. A statistic that was shared with us was that in the 1990's over 1.7 million people died because of Martyrdom...that's 1/2 the population of Toronto!!!! That number really struck me...as that morning before church I was complaining about a bunch of different aspects of my life...none of which compare to death for what I believe in!

I think I, and probably many others, need to re-evaluate how we percieve our lives and what happens to us, and be thankful for the free Country that we live in.

Stress!

2006-10-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately there's a little something in my genes that I've inherited from well...my pop, my mom, my sisters....and others along the blood line...and that is the gift of worrying! We all tend to worry and stress over things that are way beyond our control but we come by it honestly. It has been proven to be a pretty bad thing...from creating ulcers to high blood pressure, overal it just doesn't have a good effect on us, me especially. Over the last month or so I've been really stressed because of a lot of things. Mainly school, work, money, and what the heck I'm going to do with my future. My issue at the moment is that I'm not really enjoying school at Tyndale right now. I'm down to my last year and the options of courses are getting slim and I have all these electives that I have to use up and no interesting courses to take. So this is hard because over the past six months or so I've finally realized what I want to do career wise and well, I'm no where close to it right now being at Tyndale. So I have a decision to make, do I stick it out and finish my degree? (which may take until may 2008 because I have a couple extra courses to fit in) and put off going to George Brown which I'm dying to do? Or do I not finish at Tyndale and hopefully go to George Brown in September and finish my degree when I get around to it. It's a tough call, there's a lot of pros and cons to think about. SO yeah..all that has been on my mind lately among other things. I know I need to lay it all before God and just let him take care of it, but as I said in a previous blog I'm having trouble letting go and letting God take over. I'm working on it though.

I think thats all of my rant for now...

I did it!!!

2006-10-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

Well it's offical, I have finally met one of my running goals!!! This past weekend I ran my first 10km race at the Toronto Zoo along with some of my Running Room buddies. Above is a pic of Dave, Me, and Jim just minutes after we crossed the finish line. All of us did it in under an hour which was our goal. I came in at 58 minutes 47.6 seconds and 771th place out of 2200!!!! WHOO! It was probably one of the most exhilirating things I've ever done...I'm sooooo addicted! Bring on the half marathon! I'm STOKED!

Can you believe it's October?

2006-10-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

It been a while! I don't even know if anyone still reads these blog things. It's novelty has kindof warn off well for me anyways....and I haven't really had much to say lately. The truth is...I really don't like the person that I've become. I'm not saying this out of self pitty or to recieve any pitty it's just the reality of what's happened. Over the past few months I really haven't been living the way that God would want me to live. The thing is, it's not like I've been out partying, or sleeping around or anything crazy like that, I've just kindof shut God out. It seems to be a bit of a cycle that I go through and it always happens when I try to take control of my life and tell God how I want things to be. And each time I realize that I can't do it on my own and ask God to take back the pen to write the story of my life...blah blah that whole cliche mumble jumble. This time...I know what it is I need to do...but how to do it so that this cycle stops and I stay where I should be? Any suggestions?

3 months later...

2006-08-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

So it's been quite a while since my last post. This summer has been quite the busy time. From working 2 jobs and hanging out with friends, and all the other activities that I've invloved myself in, I barely find time to sleep. But it's been fun. It's definately been a different summer. Not being at camp has been an adjustment, but a good reality check as I'm definately living in the real world working full time and paying bills! So I'm looking forward to going back to school and getting back into the student life style!

Some good things about the summer...

I bought my first car- which is the most exciting thing ever!!!! My baby Gertrude has been so good to me. She's a blue, 2007 Hyundai accent hatchback and she's B-E-A-utiful!!! To check out pics go to my msn space:)

I'm still running, and looking forward to making my goal of finishing a 10km race and from then on I'm working towards a half marathon. AHHH so exciting! Running is my thing!!! I love it sooo much!

I've also almost made it thought the summer without getting too sick. It was touch and go and few weeks ago...but after a much needed visit to a nutritionist and new dietary restricitions...I'm feeling 100% better!!!!

I've got about 4 weeks left of work, then 2 weeks off before school starts and I'll be back into the swing of reading and writing papers...whoo hooo!!! ha ha not so much...but I do have to admit that I've missed school a little bit.

Well I think that's the end of my update for now...I should be getting back to work!

What's your theological worldview?

2006-05-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

I took a quiz that I got from a link on Chris' blog...and it was interesting to find out my theological worldview...here are my results:

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan.

You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 82%
Neo orthodox 68%
Emergent/Postmodern 57%
Charismatic/Pentecostal 57%
Classical Liberal 43%
Fundamentalist 39%
Reformed Evangelical 36%
Roman Catholic 36%
Modern Liberal 36%

Interesting! If you want to find yours out go to http://quizfarm.com

Death to Science!

2006-04-24T22:10:00.000-07:00

OK, so it's 1:08am and I should either be in bed sleeping or cramming for my science exam which is in7 1/2 hours. But I'm not doing either becuase..well..I don't really know why.

Just keep me in your prayers tomorrow....I need all that I can get!

2006-04-04T05:51:00.000-07:00

God continutes to amaze me! I don't know why, but everytime God answers one of my prayers I'm just so taken back by it. It's not that I doubt him, or that I think that he wont, it's just that sometimes it's so subtle that I don't always notice right away. This one particular thing that I have been praying about...well...it took me a little while to realize his answer, but I got it and I understand and now I just feel so at peace with the situation. For me, the easiest way for me to pray without losing focus is to journal, and I love jounaling so much because I can go back and read my prayers. I am always blessed when I go back and read and just see how God has answered my prayers over time. Some are still waiting to be answered but that's the beauty of God's timing!

Just wanted to share that:)

2006-04-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

So it's official..I literally have 2 weeks of classes left to the semester...and it's a little frigtening. For a few reasons this time of year is a little bit scary:

1. Exams are in 2 weeks and I have a ton of papers to write still...
2. This is the end of my 2nd year and I am that much closer to graduation and the real world..
3. In about 3 weeks I'll be starting a full-time job (my first summer in 5 years not working at camp)
4. I will also be working part-time at The Movie Store- ahhh
5. I'm trying to save money to visit Esther in Austrailia and it's sooo hard for me to save money!

So..a few things on my plate...but I think I can handle it! Just one thing at a time...

Where is the passion when you need it the most?

2006-03-31T10:01:00.000-08:00

SO, I've taken up running again. It's my rediscovered passion! It's my escape, my time to be with God, my time to worship him for all that he is, my time to pray, my time to reflect and meditate on life, my time to take in all of creation, and my time to achieve one of the goals that I've set for my life.

Todays mileage = 4.5 km

Goal for next week = 5 km

Goal for July = 10 km race

Goal for October = the Toronto Marathon (only half marathon for me)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

I LOVE!!!!

2006-03-31T09:50:00.000-08:00

OK, so today I came across a list of things(not people..just things...i love people too but this is not that list..lol) that I love that I wrote down about 6 months ago I guess....

So I thought I'd share:

1. Laughing
2. Flannel sheets
3. Peanut butter
4. Chocolate Cake
5. Cold milk
6. Autumn
7. Roller coasters
8. The colour blue
9. Swimming
10. Chick flicks
11. Cheesy pop music
12. Hoodies
13. Talking on the phone
14. Running
15. Camp
16. Going to the movies
17. Skating
18. Getting my hair cut
19. Gummy bears
20. Fishing
21. Shopping
22. Getting dressed up
23. Walking barefoot in the sand
24. Kissing in the rain
25. Reading
26. Acting
27. Roast chicken
28. Playing board games/cards
29.Toboggoning
30. Elephants
31. Cheddar cheese on cinnamon raisin toast
32. Crayons
33. Love songs
34. The smell of coconut
35. Pineapple
36. Pina coladas
37. Jeans
38. Kids
39. Shoes
40. Bubble Gum

Obviously that's not everything that I LOVE...but it's a taste...

My beef with chick flicks!

2006-03-28T06:28:00.000-08:00

Ok...so...

After going to see the movie "Failure to Launch" the other night, I've decided...that...I can't believe I'm going to say this but...I hate chick flicks! GASP! I know...it's shocking! Say what now?

I think the reason I hate them so much us because I get so wrapped up in them. As I'm watching them, it sounds crazy, but I become the female character. Throughout the whole movie I experience the happy and..the sad moments that she faces. And at the end...when all is dandy and they fall in love...and everyone is happy...the movie ends...and it's over...and the good feeling is gone. And I find myself saying...aww why doesn't that happen to me, or why doesn't a guy say that or do that for me...blah blah blah. I ask myself, why guys aren't really like that, or why haven't I met a guy like that?

Well the answer is....It's not real! GASP AGAIN! It's a fantasy world...an unrealistic one. Maybe for some...their romantic experiences come close to maybe what would be in a movie...but typically not. (I'm not synnical..lol)

I engulf (not sure if that's even a word) myself into these stories, and create in my mind what my idea of the perfect man would be and I have these expectations and if a guy doesn't fill them...then..nope...not for me. Wow...I sound crazy...ha ha. But seriosuly though...as much as I love watching them...and how good i feel watching two people fall in love...I don't know that they're necessarily good for me. It may just be me..i don't know.

I don't know if i'll ever be able to give up my beloved chick flicks...

But there is today's ramble.

Chick flicks...yay? or nay?

2006-03-25T20:32:00.000-08:00

Ok ladies...or gentlemen...ahem...

I have a question for all you chick flick movie buffs such as myself.....

Do chick flicks distort and candy coat relationships and love? Do they give us false hope and too high expectations? Are they healthy for us single gals or guys out there to be wrapping ourselves up in a pretend world?

thoughts?

then maybe i'll share my opinion....

A little reminder...

2006-03-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

Today I decided to read over some of my past blogs and I came upon one which was a really great reminder of where my mind was over a year ago to now....and just how sometimes you have to keep learning the same lessons over and over again before they really sink in. This particular one was on "Singleness"- give is a readsky!

"For the past two weeks I've been working on a 10 page paper for my Christian Life and Discipleship class, and just writing it has really challenged me. Originally my topic was going to be on the spritual discipline of worship. But as I thought about it, yes I've experienced different forms of worship but I didn't really know how to express how I felt about it in 10 pages. So...I decided to go with a topic that tugs a little harder on my heart strings....."Singleness"...well not just singleness....."Singleness and the Christian Woman's Life". I started reasearching for it, and then I realized.."Hey, I'm a single Christian Woman, I can have an opinion about this!" I couldn't believe how much I got into writing this, I mean don't get me wrong I like school, but normally I'm not excited about writing a paper. OK, I'll get to my point. Basically what I learned from doing this assignment, (well I knew it before but it never REALLY sunk in) is that right now, my single life stage, is so crucial. Like, right now is my time to grow spiritually, get intimate with God, and really experience him. For the longest time I've depended on other people for my happiness, well mostly guys, but also my friends and family. But I've been challenged to REALLY trust God with this area of my life. Oh ya, it's way harder said than done, and believe me I've said it a few times! But I believe that it's something we should surrender to God everyday! Like any other single woman, I have the desire in my heart to fall in love, to get married, and have a family....all that jazz. (God does promise us that if we delight our selves in him he will give us the desires of our hearts.) But ultimately those things can not satisfy me unless I'm in love with my heavenly father, my creator. Is this an easy thing? I believe that loving him can be easy, but putting all your trust in him and handing him the pen of your life...that's hard! It's because we're in a fight...the devil is always trying to turn us a way from God, and us getting frustrated with God over our singleness and pushing him out of the way because we want to be in charge, that's just giving satan what he wants. I challenge you, if you're single, to take advantage of this time, and fall in love with your "groom" Jesus. If you are in a relationship...take a look at it and see who you have as 1st priority? And just put all your trust in him!!!"

2006-03-22T10:13:00.000-08:00

"Find rest, my soul, in CHRIST ALONE, know his power, IN QUIETNESS AND TRUST!When the Oceans Rise and Thunders Roar, I will soar with You above the storm,Father you are king over the flood..I will BE STILL AND KNOW YOU ARE GOD!"

Thanks Laura....needed to hear that

Could I?

2006-03-21T19:36:00.000-08:00

Could I just stay here a while, and know that there’s nothing that I need to say, safe in the knowledge that in all my ways, you love me, completely, no need to hide a thing.

Could I just stay here a while, letting you melt away all of my fears, I feel your comfort when you are so near, Ill hide myself in the shelter you made for me.

Could I? Could I?

Could I just kneel here a while, doing what I was created to do, bowing in reverence, unto to adore you, kneeling and giving all that I can surrender

Could I just rest here a while, letting you whisper my burdens away, in all of my journey’s there is no other place where I find refuge and strength for my weary heart.

Could I? Could I? Could I? Could I?

Could I just let you, wipe my burdens away? Could I let you whisper my tears away? Could I just let you-wipe my burdens away?

Could I?

Could I just stay here a while, and know that’s there’s nothing that I need to say, safe in the knowledge that in all my ways, you LOVE ME COMPLETELY, No need to hide a thing.

2006-03-21T09:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a rough week. I've been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and I'm still kindof hanging on. I'm not really sure which way it's going or when it'll finally come to a stop. I'm praying hardcore, but not really hearing God...

any suggestions?

Bittersweet Symphony

2006-03-14T08:08:00.000-08:00

Above is the title of the chapter of my life that I'm living at this moment. It is most definately bittersweet! I am abosultely extatic and excited and at the same time worried and terrified. I feel uneasy about many areas of my life, what my future holds and what the heck I'm going to do with my life after I graduate. So many unknowns. How to deal? Well...I'm trying my hardest to leave it at the feet of Jesus!

Esta-Esta!

2006-03-07T06:01:00.000-08:00

Above is a picture of Esther and I from My 2nd summer at camp and our 1st summer as roomies...this is where the tradition of us living together in the summer began! After talking to her lasnight on the phone with her all the way in Austraila, I realized that how much God has blessed me with having her in my life.

Esther, you have no idea how much you mean to me, or how much I thank God for your friendship. Thank you for always being there for me, through the tears and the laughter. I am so proud of you for what you're doing, although I miss you to pieces!

Love you lots, and praying for you always!

Why is patience soooooo hard?

2006-03-06T08:11:00.000-08:00

I'm frustrated! I'm fed up! I'm down right impatient!

God has put me to the "patience test"...can I do it? Gah..I hope so!

a little something different!

2006-03-04T20:07:00.000-08:00

Well....as it seems i've changed the look of my blog a little bit. Just felt like a change...and well i'm learning how to not be so technically challenged....lol.

so...that's all for now folks...enjoy the new asthetics!

~jess~

2006-03-01T07:58:00.000-08:00

Something I've really been struggling with lately is "how do I know what God's plan is for my life?" I know that it's not necessarily something that we're supposed to know, but how do we know if we're on the right track? I have this bad habit of telling God he can have complete control of my life, and then slowly but surely I always take it back. I want to know that what I'm doing with my life is good and pleasing to God, and that I'm not disapointing him. I mean, we're all human and we all make mistakes but I want to know that I'm making my Father proud with how I'm living.

Right now I'm finding school very difficult. I go through stages where I'm very motivated and want to do well, and then all of a sudden I don't care and I'm slacking off. Well right now I'm in one of those slacking off phases. It's so frustrating because at the beggining of the semester I set some goals for myself, and I'm not on the right path to achieving those goals. I know what I need to change, I just need to find the strength to do it.

God has brought me through one of the toughest times of my life this past year, and I can feel him continuing to work. It's jsut that patience is not a virtue that I posess so It's really hard. I'm the type of person who always wants to know what is going to happen next, and right now I have absolutely no idea, and it's sooo scary.

I know I'm not a alone. I know that everybody goes through times like this, and God always pulls through. He's really teaching me trust and patience right now and I will be a stronger person because of it.

If you've read my blog in the last little while, you probably read my post about Africa. Well...after a lot of time spent in prayer, I've come to the conclusion that right now is not the right time for me to go. It doesn't mean that I never will, it just really doesn't feel right, nor was it coming together the way I expected it to. I really feel like God wanted to know that I was willing, but he has something else in store for me this summer. Only he knows what that is. I'm looking at doing some school over the spring to catch up on some classes so that I can graduate next May for sure, then after that....well...we'll see.

As much as things feel all over the place, my life is following a path...it may be a bumpy road but I praise God for that, becuase it's that bumpy road that's going to lead me to the final destination!

Prayers for healing...

2006-02-14T15:49:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, just a little update on my health. It seems as though my body doesn't like me very much right now and it's decided to cause a flare up of my UC. It's not at all as bad as it was back in the fall, and I caught it early so I should be back up and running in a few weeks. I just ask for prayers that it will get better and not get worse. The fall was really rough, and I just am really lifting this up to God that I wont have to go through all that again.

On a happier note, I'm off to the Dominican in 2 days! SOOOOO excited! I'll try and bring back some sun for all of you!

To all you love birds out there, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! Love never fails! Praise God for that!

talk soon.

"Dog poop? THIS IS AWESOME!"

2006-02-12T19:17:00.000-08:00

Hey, ok so the title of this blog has nothing to do with dog poop...it's just my favourite saying right now...watch bubble boy!

Anywho...so I was at youth councils this past weekend at Blue Mountain...it was definately fun times! I didn't get hurt too badly snowboarding although I do have a really nasty bruise on my left knee...I'm sticking with my falling on the half pipe story *wink* and by half pipe I mean the chair lift..LOL.

This weekend helped me come to a lot of conclusions. God was definately there and I know that he spoke to everyone in one way or another. For me, it was if he flashed my life over the past few months infront of me. I could see things from a different point of view for once, and see somethings in my life that were there then that are not there now. I thank God so much for revealing to me just how much he's done in my life over the past few months, I am amazed! I'm continuing on this journey that is my life along with Him. So many things are changing and so many things are unknown, but I'm just trusting Him with it.

Tagged

2006-02-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

Esther tagged me...so here goes!

Four jobs I've had:
Camp- Cabin leader(2002, 2003) Day camp coordinator (2004, 2005)
Sales Associate- The Panhandler
Sales Assoicate- Jacob Connexion
Movie Assoiciate- The Movie Store Plus

Four Movies I can Watch Over and Over:
How to lose a guy in 10 days
Grease
Empire Records
Notebook

Four Places I've Lived:
London, England, UK
St. John's Newfoundland
Toronto, Ontario
Orillia, Ontario

Four TV shows I love:
Reba
Everybody Loves Raymond
The Bachelor
The Biggest Loser

ha ha..I know I'm a loser for all of the above...

Four Places I've vacationed:
Orlando, Florida
Switzerland
Prince Edward Island
Punta Cana, Dominican Republic- in 11 days

Four of my favourite dishes:
Roast Chicken
Thai Coconut curry chicken
Newfie stew and yorkshire puddings
Newfie mess- fries, dressing, turkey, weiners and gravy- i know it sounds gross...but it's soooo not!

Four sites I visit daily:
Hotmail
Friends Blogs
Biblegateway
google

Four places I'd rather be right now:
Punta Cana
Universal Studios
Austrailia- with Esther
somewhere with someone....

Four Bloggers I'm Tagging:
Deborah Barrow
Lesley Cunningham
Jill Banfield
Dionne Halsey

I can only imagine...

2006-01-29T07:56:00.000-08:00

I'm overflowing with emotion right now as I write this...I just got home from church and I can definately say that I've never felt God speak to me so clearly. No one I know is home from church yet, so I can't start making phone calls to tell everybody about it. I'm bursting and I need to let it out.

I went to Unionville Alliance this morning to hear Bruce Wilkinson (he wrote the Prayer of Jabez and many other books) speak. God has definately used this man in indesribable ways. His sermon this morning was all about being disciples and how we not only need to accept Jesus into our hearts, we also need to be followers. We need to open our hearts for God to use us! There was an alter call this morning for all those who wanted Jesus in thier hearts, those who have accepted him but have not yet become disciples, and those who are living sacrifices not sure of thier calling. I remained in my seat, glued as if I had 1000 pound weights on each of my appendeges. Bruce looked straight at me and said; "I know there is someone out there who needs to be up here, but is too afriad". All of a sudden I felt nautious...I knew he was talking to me yet I ignored him...I wouldn't make eye contact, I fidgeted my hands....still ignoring. He called again...more people went up...I stayed in my place. He then prayed with all those at the front, and there was an annointing ceremony of one of the men who works with him at his organization....all while this was going on I was jsut squirming in my seat, feeling guilty for just sitting there and not listening to the nudge on my heart.

Bruce Wilkinson is a part of the Organization called Heart for Africa (formerly known as Dream for Africa). He called up one of the famlies that works with the organization and they talked about how there were people in the congregation called to go to Africa for 10 days this June to help plant gardens in people's back yards to provide them with thier own means of food. The Woman (wife and mother) played a slide show presentation that went along with "I Can Only Imagine" by mercy me. The video broke my heart...i felt more and more nautious...chills up my spine, my knees were shaking, my hands quivering....as the video ended she said "who is called to go". I sat there for what seemed like an eternity..a thousand things running through my mind...I was sitting next to Julie (my sister) we both looked at eachother and she said "Lets go together"...we stood up walked hand in hand to the front..and by the time we got there my face was soaked with tears...but I knew that I was doing what God had asked me to do.
We were prayed over..and the commitment was made.

As of June 8th, 2006 I will be on a plane heading to Africa...just as My God and Father has asked me to. I am a Disciple of My Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and I am going to be a witness of His Word!

All I ask is for prayers of encouragement and support....this was not an easy thing for me to do, everyone knows how hard I find it to let myself me challenged and to come outside of my box...well I'm doing it and I have faith that God is with me every step of the way.

www.dreamforafrica.com

Reading Break

2006-01-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

In 22 days I will be in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic getting a nice tan and drinking pina coladas....I soooo can't wait! Isn't it beautiful? Let the countdown begin!

Life

2006-01-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and felt something that I can't say I've felt in a long time! Today I feel satisifed with my life. I know this is something that we're supposed to feel on a day to day basis, but over the last few months I've been so far from it.
For the first time in my life, I am actually on the road to learning how to love myself, who I am and all that comes with it. I'm discovering my abilities, my talents..and my weaknesses. I can now see my true identity as a daughter of the King! God created me in His image and therefore I am beautiful in his eyes and that's all that should matter.
For the first time, I feel as though I am in the right place. That being in Bible college at Tyndale is where God wants me. I'm not sure what for yet, but that's ok...I'll know when it's time. I am loving the opportunity to learn, and I am embracing it and doing my best to succeed in everything I put my mind to.
I am so thankful for what I have. God has blessed me with such a loving family who love and support me in good times and in bad. I have a beautiful neice and nefew who I have more love for than I can even describe and I have 5 close girlfriends that I cherish and feel so blessed having them in my life. God is so amazing!
I can't explain how exicited I am, God has brought me through so much and taught me so much and I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything!
I have this great feeling that 2006 is going to be an incredible year...and I'm not going to wait around..I'm going to live it!

Stay

2006-01-11T10:12:00.000-08:00

A tide inside your heart
Keeps rising in the dark
Surrounds you like an ocean
And you can't keep from going under

Somewhere in the deep
I find you half asleep
'Cause I will never leave you
I will not forsake you

[Chorus:]I will stay
Here with you while you fall
I won't sayAnything, anything at all
I will stay

When all the empty words
Won't take away the hurt
Even everything is broken
All the wounds are open
I'll be here

A shoulder you can cry on
A friend you can rely on
In between the shadows
Where no one else will follow

[Chorus:]I will stay
Here with you while you fall
I won't sayAnything, anything at all
I will stay

[Repeat][Chorus:]I will stay
Here with you while you fall
I won't sayAnything, anything at all
I will stay

at Your feet...

2005-12-20T09:12:00.000-08:00

I seem to have this really bad habit of making decisions and doing things on my own..on my own meaning without God. Time after time after something like this happens..I always get a nudge from God saying "why wont you just trust me, and let me me a part of your life?" It's been quite a while since God and I have been on talking terms, and I've been trying my best to fight the struggles I've been faced with on my own. Lastnight was probably the first time in a while that God and I have had a chat...and he really showed me that I need to take a step back and just let him write my story..instead of me trying to push the ideas on his pen. SoI said.. "At Your feet, surrender my life, my whole self to Your plans! No more of my own interferences...no more decision making without Your imput, I trust You!"

Back to blogging...

2005-12-16T19:17:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a while...although taking a break from the whole blogging thing has been good for me, not only have I been taken a break from my own blog, but reading a lot of other people's aswell. I just got sick of listening to people complain about this and about that...how much they hate the army...or how much thier life sucks...it's amazing how other people's negativity can really rub off on you. My blog, for those of you who even read it, is mainly just about my spiritual journey and how God blesses me throughout it, every day he's filling me with more and more passion for life...and I'm excited for what he has in store...

God does amazing things...sometimes you just have to let him in...

Taking a break...

2005-10-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

I've decided to take a break from this whole blogging thing...

until later,

Jess

How great is our God?

2005-10-19T16:04:00.000-07:00

God answers prayer! AMEN!

I am now employed! YAY!

Thank you again God!

2005-10-05T05:49:00.000-07:00

Just a little update...was at the doctors yesterday...and I am improving...slowly...but the good thing is that I am getting better. YAY...no hospitals for me! I'm even cutting back on medication..PRAISE JESUS for that!

Thank you again God for being so faithful to your promises!

Thank you God!

2005-09-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

I found out some very exciting news today when I went to pick up my student loan....apparently the govermnet thinks I'm special enough to give me $4000 dollars on my student loan that I won't ever have to pay back...yay for free money....love it! Thank you so much God for this amazing blessing!

On a lesser exciting note...went to the doc yesterday...and my condition is not improving, if anything it's getting worse and I'm feeling worse. I could really use every ounce of prayer right now, for my health, for my emotions, for my overall well being and sanity. If you've ever been really sick you know just how much of a toll it pays on your mind, body and soul. I've started yet another kind of medication, but if this doesn't work within a week then unfortunately it's going to mean admittance into the hospital for more treatment. But let's really pray that that option won't be necessary. I believe in our God the great healer and I have faith that he's taking care of me. Trying to say positive....

All for you

2005-09-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

Nothing compares to
Life I have in You
Nothing of this world satisfies
So, I want to let go
I want to let You know
All that I have to give is Yours
Here I am
As gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place Lord, I have come ready for
Your touch
It's all for You
It's all for You
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
What is it in me
That hangs on for so long
Why do I fight the tears that come?
I work so hard to
Keep in control when
All that I want is to let go
I'll take this life
And lay it down
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
My hopes and dreams
Here at Your feet
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
And I am ready for
Your life
And I am ready for You now

Stars

2005-09-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

Maybe I've been the problem
Maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself the
outcome feels the same
I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy
Maybe I'm the chance of rain
And maybe I'm overcast
And maybe all my luck's washed down the drain
I've been thinking about everyone
Everyone you look so lonely
But when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars I feel like myself
Stars looking at a planet watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives
could pass as sane
I've been thinking about the meaning of resistance of a hope beyond
my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home
I've been thinking about everyone
Everyone you look so lonely
Everyone, everyone, we feel so lonely
Everyone, everyone, we feel so empty
When I look at the stars I feel like myself
When I look at the stars I see someone

Prayer Request...

2005-09-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I just have a little prayer request....my health is not the greatest right now and I'm having some more tests done on Monday so if you could all just keep me in your prayers that would be totally awesome!

Love you all!

Jess

amazing reminder..

2005-09-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a class monday nigths called Using Personal Narrative in Youth Ministry. Last night was the first class and it was so amazing. Basically what the class is, we're going to learn how to use our own personal testimony to minister to youth. I have no doubt that this class may be very emotionally draining as we dig up the dirt from our past and talk about it infront of the class (one of our assignments is to present our testimony to the class) and in small groups, and pull apart ways that we can use our eperiences to cousel youth and how to let God use us through our stories.

God really spoke to me lastnight through my professor, she went on a little tangent that turned into a 20 min sermon but it was exactly what I've been needing to hear for a while. She talked about how Bible college among other places...like camp...are Satan's playground...and how those are places where people are learning about God and where there are people so full of passion and fire for God that he tries everything possible to put junk in our way. But no matter what, God is on our side, and he will NEVER leave us nor forsake us, and that God is all powerful and can give us the strength to fight the enemy. We just need to say...satan...I'm done with you..try as you may to bring me down...but I have the Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ living in me and I know his Truth.

It was just such a good reminder, one that I desperatley needed, and I'm so excited what God has instore for this class and how much it's going to affect my life!

New Beginnings

2005-09-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

Well, school starts up again tomorrow...and I can't wait! Oddly enough I've missed it so much! I am so excited about this year and all that God has instore for my life, I know there are going to be some big changes, but I'm so ready for it! I'm just letting God take over and watch him write this exciting story that is the journey of my life.

I've made the decision to permanently attend Unionville Alliance Church and get involved there, this is a big step for me as I know absolutley noone besides my sister and brother in-law, but I trust that God is going to give me the strength to get myself out there and meet some new people and really feel at home. There's just something about the atmosphere there, I can always feel Gods presence and it's the place where I can clearly hear him speaking to me. So I'm very excited to take this leap of faith! I'm still an Army girl, always will be! The Missionary Alliance Church is probably the closest thing to the Army you can get. (doctrine wise that is, there are many differences otherwise)My Prayers are always with the Salvation Army and the amazing things God is using the youth in the Army for right now, and I have faith that it's only gonna get better!

I just ask for prayer right now as I go back to school, that I will be focused on the right things, and put my heart into everything I do.

Jess

Prayer

2005-09-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

Lord, You have said in Your WOrd that whoever believes in You will have rivers of living water flowing from their heart (John 7:38). I believe in You, and I long for Your living water to flow in and through me today and every day that I'm alive. I invite Your Holy Spirit to fill me afresh right now. Just as a spring is constantly being renewed with fresh waster so that it stays pure, I ask You to renew me in that same way today.
Your Word says that "the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered" (Romans 8:26). Lord, I realize I don't know how to pray as I need to, nor as often as I want to, but I invite You, Holy Spirit, to pray through me. Help me in my weakness. Teach me the things I don't know about you.
I am desperately aware of how much I need Your power to transform me and my circumstances. I don't want to live an ineffective life. I wan to live in the dynamic power of Your Spirit. I don't want to be a spiritual underachiever. I want to be an overcomer. You paid a price for me so that I could be owned by You. Help me to live like it. You planned out a course for my life so that I could be defined by You. Help me to act like it. You made it possible for me to defeat my enemy. Help me not to forget it. You sent Your Holy Spirit so that I could live in power. Help me to fulfill that promise. You gave Your life for me because You loved me. Help me to do the same for You.
I put all my expectations in You, Lord. I repent of the times I have expected other people or other things to meet my needs when I should have been looking to You. I know that You are the only one who can complete me because You are everything I need. All that I have ever wanted in my life can be found in You. Help me to remember to live not in my own strength, but by the power of Your Spirit living in me. Forgive me for the times I have forgotten to do that. Enable me to grow in the things of Your Kingdom so that I can become a whole, properly functioning, contributing, productive child of Yours who moves forward in Your purpose for my life.

Amen.

Better than life

2005-09-07T09:44:00.000-07:00

Better than the riches of this world
Better than the sound of my friends voices
Better than the biggest dreams of my heart
and that's just the start

Better than getting what I say I need
Better than living the life that I want to
Better than the love that anyone could give
Your love is

You hold me now in your arms
and never let me go
you oh Lord make the sun shine
and the moon light in the night sky
you give me breath
and all your love
I give my heart to you because I can't stop falling in love with you
I'll never stop falling in love with you
I can't stop falling in love with you.
I'll never stop falling in love with you.

The Hardest Thing..

2005-08-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. It's 12:25 and I can't sleep. I have to be up in 3 hours to get ready to go to the airport, to fly to Newfoundland. Like I've said in previous blogs, this summer has been pretty rough. My job has been really stressful, and over the past few weeks I've gotten pretty sick. I went to the doctor this morning and I'm going for round two of a chest infection and have also been fighting a bad flare up of my ulcerative colitis (Inflamatory Bowel Disase). Anyways, I was advised by a doctor that I needed to stop work imediately and get some proper rest before school in the fall. So...I had to go up to camp, pack up all my stuff, say goodbye to everyone, come home, unpack, repack and get ready to go to Newfoundland. My parents bought me a ticket today to go spend some time with them, my sisters are going too, and to just relax and have a bit of a vacation. As much as I'm relieved that I have the next few weeks to relax and get better, my heart is also breaking because I'm not going to see my kids on monday. The day camp kids hold a special place in my heart, and have really touched me this summer. A few in particular, Zach ( a foster kid, who has been in more homes than he can count on his fingers, yet is one of the happiest kids I've ever met. He puts on this tough act but over the summer got attached to me, and I to him. I'll never forget his smile.) Then there's Haden, the kid who was hyperactive, yet didn't take meds and would bring full bags of marchmallows to camp and eat the whole bag and be bouncing off the walls. And Max, this kid can turn anything he picks up into a weapon. Corey and Kyle, the cutest little skater boys alive, and who can forget Julia, she always has a story to tell. I've been challenged in so many ways this summer, yet these kids have all softened my heart!

At the beggining of the summer I prayed that God would break me, mould me, use me and fill me. And those are all dangerous prayers that I didn't realize jsut how powerful they were until some of them were answered. God has definately broken me this summer, moulded me and used me, and I'm still being filled. I've learned alot though the good and bad experiences:

*leadership is not easy
*communication is key
*everyone needs encouragement
*prayer is powerful
*friendships are so important
*never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game

I think thats about all of my ramblings for tonight...

empty

2005-07-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

I feel empty. Camp is usually the place where I feel the closest to God and right now, I'm just wondering where he is. This summer has been my hardest at camp so far, in many different ways. And at a time when I feel I need God really close to me, he seems to be the farthest away...or maybe it's that I'm the one falling away. I'm resposible for teaching the kids Bible on Thursdays.....and it's the lesson about Jesus. And as much as I know the story, and have grown up learning that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, I find it so hard to just express that to the kids in a way that they will understand and recognize the importance of Jesus in thier lives. But how can I teach them about something that I'm struggling with in my own life. I feel so discouraged and keep questioning...why I'm doing this?

I also have alot of other situations going on at the same time, that I'm not sure how to deal with, all of which include my weaknesses and satan pulling at them...trying to get me to stumble.

I need prayer...especially because I'm not that good at it right now. I need strength, and patience, wisdom and self-control.

Until later,

Update

2005-07-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a while, haven't really had much to say, and I've been so extremely busy I barely get time to do anything for myself. My job this summer is so stressful and I'm finding hard that I don't get the chance to spend time with any of my friends or make new friendships with some of the staff. I am really being challenged though and that is something that I really prayed for at the beginning of the summer. I asked God to break me, and last week that definately happened...I was at the end of my rope and knew the only way to get through that was wth God. I'm learning alot this summer about leadership and how hard it can be at times, but I know that I'm growing in my abilities. I'm still unsure as to if I'm in the right place this summer but I know that God is still using me in this situation. And becuase God is working in me, satan is also working against me.....i'm vulnerable to my weaknesses and have created such drama with certain people and have messed up situations and I'm sick of satan always getting to me. There are a few things right now that I'm really struggling with, prayer support would be awesome. I'm trying to stay strong and just have faith that God has my burdens in his hands.

and so the summer begins.....

2005-06-21T16:27:00.000-07:00

Well I've been at camp no amost 2 months...minus the 2 weeks I was in Newfoundland...so really not 2 months but whatever, that's besides the point. Today is the 1st day of summer, so let the stress begin! I'm working as the day camp co-ordinator again this summer, and to be completely honest I don't know whether that is where my heart is. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love the kids, but something feels like it's missing. I prayed so hard before I came up to camp asking God to show me whether camp was the place for me, and I felt as if he was telling me it was...but now I'm feeling like it's not. I don't really know how to explain it. Camp is usually the place where I feel God's presence the strongest, and well it's like the exact opposite right now. I feel lost in a sea of darkness all on my own. I'm constanly disapointed with him, and having faith right now is hard cause it seems like all of my prayers are going unheard. I know they're not, I know God is there...i'm just having a lot of trouble feeling it these days. I feel anxious, I'm stressed, I'm worried...so many things are just putting up a walls around me.

Tagged...

2005-06-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

So..Esther tagged me so I guess i have to answer the following questions...lol.

# of books I own
- no flippin clue...ALOT

last book I bought
- Searching for God know's what - Donald Millar

last book I read
-Disapointment With God - Phillip Yancey

Books that mean alot to me
- my Bible, The Jesus I never Knew, Celebration of Discipline, When Dreams come true, Charlottes Web

Acts of Praise

2005-05-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

Lord, I'm yours. Whatever the cost may be, may Your will be done in my life. I realize I'm not here on earth to do my own thing, or to seek my own fulfillment or my own glory. I'm not here to induldge my desires, to increase my possessions, to impress people, to be popular, to prove I'm somebody important, or to promote myself. I'm not here even to be relevant or successful by human standards. I'm here to please you.

I offer myself to you, for you are worthy. All that I am or hope to be, I owe to you. I'm yours by creation, and everyday I recieve from you life and breath and all things. And I'm Yours becuase You bought me, and the price You paid was the precious blood of Christ. You alone, the Triune God, are worthy to be my Lord and Master. I yield to You, my gracious and glorious Heavenly Father, to the Lord Jesus who loved me and gave Himself for me; to the Holy Spirit and His gracious influence and empowering.

All that I am and all that I have I give to you.

I give You any rebellion in me, that resists doing Your will. I give you my pride and self-dependence, that tell me I can do Your will on my own power if I try hard enough...I give You my fears, that tell me I'll never be able to do Your will in some areas of my life. I consent to let You energize me...to create within me, moment by moment, both the desire and the power to do your will.

I give You my body and each of it's members...my entire inner being, my mind, my emotional life, my will...my loved ones...my hopes for marriage...my abilities and gifts...my strengths and weaknesses...my health...my status...my possessions...my past, my present, and my future..when and how I'll go Home.

I'm here to love You, to obey You, to glorify You, O my Beloved, may I be a joy to You!

The Potters Hands

2005-05-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

This song really spoke to me this morning....

Beautiful Lord, wonderful saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are held in
Your hands
Created into
Your perfect plan

You gently call me, into
Your presence
Guiding me by,
Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord
To live all of my life through
Your eyes

I'm captured by,
Your Holy calling
Set me apart I know
You're drawing me to
Yourself Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mould me
Use me, Fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hands
Hold me, Guide me
Lead me, Walk beside me I
give my life to the Potter's hands

Nothing compares...

2005-04-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

I've realised this week that it is so easy to fall out of a routine when you don't need to have one. Unfortunately, it is my routine of devotion time of prayer and journaling with God that I've fallen out of. It's amazing just how much joy God can bring to your life, and the moment you try to start pushing him out, a sense of emptiness fills your heart. Thats exactly how I feel today. I know that it's literally impossible to hide from the love of God, it's everywhere. But I've been frustrated with him, and have been shutting him out just because I'm being selfish and want to do things my way. And as hard as I'm finding it to accept, God's way is the best way. Even though I can't see what's going to happen, I just need to trust him with it.

Father God, again tonight I'm surrendering these things at your feet. Nothing compares to the greatness of knowing you Lord. Please keep me strong...

DONE SCHOOL!

2005-04-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

Thank you God for getting me through my first your of college alive! AMEN!

couldn't think of a title....

2005-04-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

I've been trying desperately to study today..but my mind is in a million different places. I can't seem to focus on anything these days, not really sure why. One of my biggest challenges right now is the fact that I've given up dating/relationships/thinking about all that stuff for 6 months so that I can really focus myself on God, getting to know him, and have him be the primary love of my life. Well..way easier said than done, I find now that I've made that commitment I struggle even more with the whole subject. I'm so tired of the fact that satan knows my weaknesses and he's constantly pushing those buttons...trying to make me fall. The sad thing is, that he has been successful at times, more times than I'd like to admit. But the great thing is, God is an omnipotent God, he is all powerful, and that power can help us overcome temptation. I pray everyday for strengh, for self-control, and for wisdom, and I know that God is really going to strengthen me over the next few months, he's already been teaching me patience and that true love is worth waiting for.

Batter My Heart, Three-Personed God, For You - John Donne

2005-04-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

Batter my heart, three-personed God, for You
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend.
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town to anohter due,
Labor to admit You, but Oh! to no end.
Reason, Your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly i love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto Your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to You, imprison me, for I,
Except You enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Everything

2005-04-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That is leading me to the place where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You are everything
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
You calm the storms
You give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me deeper now
'Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You are everyting, everything

Breathing

2005-04-15T20:35:00.000-07:00

I've found a long way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do
When I get there...
Take a breath and hold on tight
And spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be...

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind
Into the truth and I'm
Trying to identify the voices in my head
God, I wish it were you
Let me feel one more time what if
Feels like to feel and
And break thses callouses off of me one more time

'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me

'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside your door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah...

I don't want a thing from you
I bet you're tired of me
Waiting for the scratch to fall off
Off your table to the ground...
'Cause I jsut wanna be here now...

'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside your door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah...

Where I wanna be...
Where I wanna be...

What The World Will Never Take

2005-04-13T18:59:00.000-07:00

With all I'm holding inside
With all my hopes and desires
And all the dreams that I've dreamt
With all I'm hoping to be
And all that the world will bring
And all that fails to compare

You say you want all of me
I wouldn't have it any other way
I've got a saviour and he's living in me..whoa...

I wanna know...I wanna know..you today

And you're the best thing that has happened to me
And the world will never tkae..the world will never take you away

No-one could ever take you away...

All I Need Is You

2005-04-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear you speak
Won't let go
Fall on my knees asI lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see
Is a glimpse of you

All I need is you...All I need is you Lord...Is you Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my saviour once again

Where would my soul be without your Son
Gave his life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that you're watching over me

All I need is you...All I need is you Lord...Is you Lord
All I need is you...All I need is you...

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold...you hold...

decisions...decisions..

2005-04-12T13:02:00.000-07:00

I HATE DECISIONS!!!

Father God, I pray right now for guidance. You know the decions that I'm faced with, you know my heart, and you know my strengths and my weaknesses. I just pray that which ever opportunity I end up taking, that you will break me, stretch me, refine me and use me for your will Lord. All these things I pray in your Precious and Holy name, Amen.

a little update...

2005-04-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

Well I officially have 1 more day of classes, and then exams begin...where did the time go? Don't get me wrong I'm extremely excited about my first year of college being done..THANK YOU GOD for getting me through it alive! But...now the stresses of what is to come next are weighing down on my shoulders. My summer plans....only God knows what they are right now, but I'm trying really hard to just trust him and know that he's going to lead me in the right direction. I just ask for prayer support over the next few weeks as I write my exams, and that doors for the summer will open. Thanks a bunch! MUAH!

Patience: a virtue I do not posess

2005-04-05T18:25:00.000-07:00

Lately one of my biggest struggles is patience in so many areas of my life...

I've been digging into God's word to help me with this..and have found some great words of wisdom and inspriration...I hope they speak ot your heart as they did mine..enjoy!!

Psalm 27:13-14
"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Psalm 37:7
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men will be cut off, bout those whol hope in the Lord will inherit the land."

Romans 2:7
"To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life."

1 Timothy 1:16
"But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and recieve eternal life."

Hebrews 6:12
"We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

Isaiah 55:22
"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

AND MY FAVOURITE OF THEM ALL....

Romans 8:25
"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it PATIENTLY."

2005-04-02T21:22:00.000-08:00

I realise it's been quite a while since I've updated...haven't really had much to say. Things are a little weird right now. I'm just trying to get through the last few weeks of school alive! I'm having a hard time keeping my focus pants on (yes Aqua that is what I said)! Lately music has been my escape, I just put on some tunes...and dance/jump around on my mini trampoline in my room and sing my little heart out...it's great fun..you should try it!

This is one of my favourites right now...for the lyrics and the beats..lol..ENJOY!

I feel like
I would like
to be somewhere else
doing something that matters
and I lay here or I sit here
my mind walks away and
my thoughts are together
Whats the purpose it feels worthless
I'm haunted by the lost of my value
I can't find it not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, scared that I'll fail you

and sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
and sometimes I wonder why I'm even here at all
but then you assure me I'm a little more than useless
when I think that I can't do this you promise me
that I'll get through this and
do something right
do something right for once

So I say if I can do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
ain't nothing trival to let me give you
will measure up to
what might have replaced it to
Ray Brook not day break
respectful to days that were empty
and now gone and knock back the regret a road
to get me to improve in the long run

Sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
sometimes I wonder why I'm even here at all
but then you assure me
I'm a little more than useless
when I think that I can't do this
you promise me that I'll get through this
and do something right do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
and never knew I knew this
its gonna the day gonna be the day
that I will do something right
do something right for once.

I'm tired!

2005-03-23T15:50:00.000-08:00

I'm tired physically.
I'm tired emotionally.
I'm tired spiritually.
I'm just tired!

I don't know how, or why, but I've just lost my energy. School, work, school, work, work, work, church. That is what I spend my time doing. It just seems never ending. April is not coming soon enough!

untitled...march 17, 2005

2005-03-17T19:30:00.000-08:00

Here I am again
Talking to myself
Telling me I'm flawed
Telling me to change
All the things I'm not
Are what I want to be

Standing on quick sand
No way to escape
There is no hope
No one to see the sadness in my eyes
No one to read the blue between the lines
No one to hold me when I cry

Underneath this mask
I'm hiding who I am

1 Timothy 4:13-17

2005-03-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

I was reading through 1 Timothy today and came accross these few verses and it really hit me hard since the past few days I've been worried about a alot of stuff...so here it is:

1Timothy 4:13-17
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. In stead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."

1 Peter 5:7......

2005-03-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

I cast all my cares upon you
I lay all of my burdens
Down at your feet
And anytime
I don't know
What to do
I'll just
Cast all my cares upon you

I love my family!

2005-03-13T20:05:00.000-08:00

Let me just say how much I thank God for my family. I thank him for two loving parents, two amazing sisters and two brother-in-laws who are the brothers i wish i had growing up. I am so blessed yet somedays I take them for granted.

For those of you who don't know me that well. I live with my sister Julie and my brother-in-law Mike, and my 2 year old nefew Noah. For some people living with or "mooching off of" family is not a good thing. But I absolutely love my family, and I don't know what I would do without them.

Tonight, I saw a different side of Mike. Well I've seen a glimpse of this side before but not as much as tonight. I went upstairs to their room to tell them I wasn't feeling well and ended up staying there sitting on the bed for like an hour just talking. Talking about things I'm struggling with and how they can help me with it. It just made me realize just how much I'm loved and how much God has blessed me with the people in my life. So..as I was saying...Mike isn't really a "serious talk" kindof guy...he's very goofy and jokes around alot. But just the way he listened to me, and the way he gave me advice, the way a big brother does....meant alot to me.

Thank you Lord for blessing me with such an incredible family.

If you wanna hear God laugh, just tell him you have plans!

2005-03-11T14:37:00.000-08:00

I was talking to an old friend last night who I haven't talked to in a really long time, and I was reminded of how we have plans for our lives but God has bigger things in mind. This particular friend and I had planned our whole futures ahead of us, but things didn't work out the way we planned. Talking with that person really meade the fact sink in that I really do need to trust God with every aspect of my future. Becuase what I have in mind may not be the best thing for me. I thank God for my friendship with this person, even though we're not as close as we used to be. The good times we had, I don't think I'll ever forget. But God has bigger plans for both of us, whether our paths cross again or not.

Jesus Will Still Be There

2005-03-09T19:35:00.000-08:00

Things change, plans fail
You look for love on a greater scale
Storms rise, hopes fade
And you place your bets on anohter day
When the going gets tough, when the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough
Jesus will still be there
His love will never change, sure as a steady rain
Jesus will still be there

When no one else is true, He'll still be loving you
When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there
Time flies, hearts turn
A little bit wiser from lessons learned
But sometimes weakness wins
And you lose your foothold once again
When the going gets tough, when the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough